If you look at the photos above, you'll see a big difference between them (and I'm not just talking about how much photo quality has improved in the past 11 years!). While the body in these two photos may not look that different to you, the energy within these bodies is like night and day.
At age 17, I was suffering. I hated my body and didn't know what to do with it. This continued on for about 10 more years. I struggled, I dieted, I exercised, I tried everything. And even though my body changed very little from my heaviest to my lightest, I had a very distorted perception of myself. No matter how "fit" or "thin" I looked, I hated what I saw in the mirror.
No matter how many people told me how beautiful I looked, I could not believe them.
I studied Kinesiology (fitness, nutrition, & health) in college, almost exclusively to figure out how to change the body I was inhabiting. I would work out sometimes twice a day. I would starve myself or only eat salad. I would neglect rest and hygiene in order to punish myself for having an unlovable body. I was so unhappy with the way I looked that I geared my whole career path toward getting a better body. But this is the only body I'd ever have. And while I wanted to physically change it, it was actually a spiritual change that made all the difference.
I found yoga in college, which really helped me start appreciating the experience of being in a body. I started to enjoy movement that was more gentle and healing to my body. And yoga began to open me up to a deeper spiritual awareness of being a soul inside this body. But my struggle continued for years and years. No amount of external validation would prove to me that I could love my body.
After college, I realized that I didn't just want to understand the physical body and become a personal trainer. I wanted to dive deeper and discover what was inside of this body. Through my knowledge of fitness and nutrition, I could manipulate the physiological functioning of my body to lose weight or tone my muscles. But this wasn't enough. Even when I lost weight and saw physical changes, I still wasn't happy with my body. I still didn't feel at home inside myself.
As my spiritual awareness expanded and I focused intently on practicing self-love, I started to notice a pattern. What I saw in the mirror had nothing to do with the way I looked physically. What I saw in the mirror was a reflection of the way I treated myself. On days when I would eat healthy and exercise, I would see a beautiful girl in the mirror. On days when I would be overcome with guilt for having binged on sweets in order to cope with my emotional pain, I would see an unlovable, fat girl in the mirror. And in these two different mirror images, my weight would be IDENTICAL and my physical form unchanged. It wasn't my body I was seeing in the mirror. It was the tortured soul of a girl who could not feel at home within herself. It was ugly.
The healing really took place when I started to wake up and heal my emotional wounds. I recognized that I would binge eat or indulge in sweets or other treats when I was feeling pain, anxiety, sadness, shame, or other dark emotions. I would soothe myself with comfort foods. But of course this would backfire when I would look in the mirror and realize that I had disrespected my body in the process of avoiding my emotional experience.
I started to meditate. I started to experience spiritual awakenings. I started to value my soul. I started to feel at home inside my body.
I began to desire treating my body well, not so that it would look any certain way, but so that I could provide a beautiful sanctuary for my soul. I wanted to love my body, not to be beautiful, but to FEEL amazing inside of myself and to keep my energy as pure as possible so that I could FEEL the presence of my soul.
And you know what?? When I stopped caring about what my body looked like and I started caring about how I felt inside, my body became more beautiful.
I remember a few months ago, I had my last big breakdown about my body image. It was the culmination of a massive pattern that I was healing. I was on the edge of a new realization, a brand new awakening. I had been sick with exhaustion from the mental anguish of self-judgment and shame. I was in disbelief that I could still possibly be struggling with this issue when I felt so spiritually mature in many other ways.
WHEN WAS THIS EMOTIONAL TORTURE GOING TO END?!
I wanted freedom from this suffering. I was reaching the brink of this crisis. Out of sheer desperation, I was finally feeling ready to change my old patterns and enter a new paradigm. I wanted to make a new deal with the Universe where I could finally be at peace within myself.
I was in the shower. I was bathing myself and sliding my hands over my soft flesh. Looking down at this physical being that seemed so foreign to me at times, I heard my intuition speak to me loud and clear:
"If you want to be free and peaceful in your soul, you need to be willing to gain weight."
This felt like a major leap in faith. It was a risk that I had never wanted to take. I had always wanted control over the way I looked and to be spiritually enlightened. But I somehow knew that it was time to give that up. I was finally aware that, sometimes on your spiritual journey, your body needs to change in order to provide a good home for the soul. At times when you are integrating a lot of new energy, your body may need to gain a little weight in order to feel more grounded and embody the new frequencies. At times when you are manifesting and creating change in your life, you may lose weight in order to let go of old energies and make rapid shifts. Sometimes the body is a mystery to us and we simply need to TRUST.
Trust or suffer, that is our choice.
On that day in the shower, I finally said yes to the offering from my higher self. I created a new agreement with the Universe. I would trust my body to shift and change as needed while I focused entirely on the health of my soul.
You guys, the results have been INCREDIBLE.
I don't know if you can tell from the photo above on the right, but I am finally comfortable inside of myself! I am finally at home in my body and my soul is happy in its sanctuary. I am at peace. I am free.
I eat what I want, but I want what feeds my soul. Sometimes that's chocolate cake. Sometimes that's kale salads. I want to eat what makes me feel alive and vibrant! And that's usually something healthy.
I don't feel the need to overeat or binge. I'm aware of my emotional waves, and I ride them with a peaceful willingness. No longer do I need to drown out my pain with a painfully full belly.
I move my body in the ways that feel good and loving. I exercise when I have energy. I rest when I'm tired. I stretch, I take baths, I breathe deeply, I nurture myself when I am sick.
I don't worry anymore. I'm not afraid to change and shift. And I'm in utter disbelief to report that surrender is what gave me the most beautiful body. This body is unique. This body is mine. And I am okay with that.
I am not perfect with this new paradigm, but I am happier than EVER. I am more in love with myself than EVER BEFORE. I have arrived. My soul finally wants to be inside this body, and I am home.
If there was one thing that I would recommend to you if you also crave this comfort inside your physical temple, it would be to WAKE UP. Let your soul be felt inside your body. Stopping running from your truth by ignoring the messages from your body. Commit to trusting your body and creating a safe space for your soul to rest. Create a sanctuary inside yourself.
I would be honored to help you with this, and the first step I suggest is trying my free starter kit. It will show you the doorway to peace, presence, and comfort in your human form.
If you have questions or would like to work with me 1-on-1 on your healing journey, message me here.
I love you because I have found a way to love me.
May you have the most epically beautiful healing journey.
Gia writes about her journey through life and the many twists and turns of spiritual growth, relationships, health & healing, life as a performer, and the ever-unfolding path back to her heart.